Friday, September 24, 2010
Absolutely zero 
Hey what's that you say?
You're not blaming me for anything
Well that's great
But I don't break that easy
Does it fade away?
So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you
I thought that we could make it
I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed
So who am I to say this situation isn't great?
It's my time to make the most of it
Of course I didn't know that this would happen to me
Not that easy, no, no, no, no
All along the fault is up for grabs
Why can't you have it
If it's for sale, what is your offer?
I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for
Pay no more than absolutely zero
Well neither one of us deserves the blame
Because opportunities moved us away
And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game
That's made for two, that's you and me
The rules remain a mystery
Labels: confession, love, song, video
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Labels: confession, love, song, video
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the answer isn't for us
This time I am truly rendered speechless.
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight
Tonight
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight
Tonight
We're so helpless
We're slaves to our own forces
We're afraid of our emotions
No one, knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
The answer isn't for us
No, the answer isn't for us
- "So Sorry" by Feist
Labels: confession, love, song, video
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Friday, September 17, 2010
24 hours in Singapore
The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of frantic packing and teary farewells, of last-minute shopping (I went to as many op shops as I could to procure myself some "one-off" Melbournian clothes) and ethnic cuisines (Ethiopian twice a week, Carribean, Szechuan... Singapore cannot eat one!), of hitting the road and being shutter-happy.
The day before I was flying home, my laptop died on me. It just fizzled and sizzled and all the magic spells in the world couldn't bring it back to life. After a bit of a drama, I had E drive me to the nearest computer shop and bought myself a new Lenovo laptop for under $500. I felt like my entire life was in that laptop, and I swear I would have a complete breakdown if I didn't get a new one immediately. And we managed to buy a portable hard disk case, pry open the old laptop and transfer the data onto the new one, 2 hours before I was to get on my plane, thank God!
It's been over 24 hours since I've landed home, and everything smells like it does in the tropics. It's the awkward familiar humidity which I promised myself not to complain about. All over town malls are exploding and I am completely disoriented and have had to depend on Mellie (who has only moved here for 3 months) to tell me where's where. I looked so lost at the train station that the uncle gave me an MRT map of the new system. A stranger in my native land, making a quiet re-entry into my hometown.
Everything in my life, inside and outside has changed and I am fighting every bone in my body not to be emotional about it. I miss you more than words can say, but I have to learn to live in the now, be grateful for what I have, appreciate the people around.
Labels: confession, culture, friendship, home, life, love, travel
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Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The longest river in the world
"No, I won't go away. I won't leave you in this state."
"What state, this isn't a state, this is how I am, I want to be alone, don't you understand? Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone!"
"To do what, then?"
"Nothing! To do nothing, nothing at all!"
"Then write! Or make a collage, a movie, a song, do something with all that, at least it'll have been some use."
"You're driving me crazy with your enthusiasm, you always see the good side of things, I don't have a good side, that's what you can't seem to grasp. I want to be alone, to wait for nothing, hope for nothing, sleep eat hibernate, not to think, not to reflect, play Super Mario world on my computer, read old Elle magazines, novels I know by heart, keep underlining the same sentences, watch tv, drink milk, eat bread dipped in tea, and dance, dance by myself because I can't in front of others, not to cry, not to laugh, to get massaged, to be carressed, without reciprocating, inert, as inert as possible under the fngers of the masseuse who I pay for the luxury, snore, fall asleep!"
- An excerpt from "Nothing Serious" by Justine Levy
But even when the sky is falling and you're not here to hold it up anymore, that's what friends are for- a shoulder to cry on, a place of refuge and a voice of reason.
Labels: books, confession, friendship, life, love
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Saturday, August 21, 2010
clutching at straws
Drive out with the sun in your eyes
You wasted my time
It's true, it's true
My god, don't you hold out your hand
I called off my plans
I counted on you, on you
And if you're ever left with any doubt
What you live with and what you'll do without
I'm only sorry that it took so long to figure out
- "Evening Kitchen" by Band of Horses
I am trying to stand on solid ground, but the sand keeps slipping under my feet. No one's playing the blame game, but I'm clutching at straws again.
A home filled with your possessions and mine, except like a pair of shoes yet broken into, I am reminded it no longer means anything. Bare walls, unread books, half-emptied wardrobes, boxes and suitcases.
This just means I am the one leaving, for good.
Labels: apartment, australia, confession, life, love, song, video
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Friday, August 20, 2010
the world spins madly on
"How eerie and distilled this night is. How strange and abandoned and unsettled I am. Like a snowdome paperweight that's been shaken. There's a blizzard in my bubble. Everything in my world that was steady and sure and sturdy has been shaken out of place, and it's now drifting and swirling back down into a confetti of debris. A book I knew by heart, torn up and thrown into the air. Everything has been rocked with such rigour and tumult. Everything has been uprooted and broken. A dozen disasters at once. I can't begin to collect the pieces and try to set them as they were. It's like I've got to crawl out of my own eggshell and emerge.. And a little like Jasper Jones, I no longer have the luxury of choosing the right time. I can't unfurl from my cocoon when I'm good and ready. I've been pulled out early and left in the cold."
- An excerpt from "Jasper Jones" by Craig Silvey
If there is one thing you learn, it is that life goes on.
You go to bed, toss and turn, yet another sleepless night. Wake up, get ready for work, hop on the train and tram, enter the classroom, your kids are ready and waiting. Some of them visibly perk up when you walk in. You pick up the marker, deliver your lesson with the usual tried-and-tested jokes, they laugh. Teaching sometimes feels like one big performance and they are your captive audience.
It's nice to know that even when everything in your world is falling apart, you can still bring something to these kids and make a difference in their lives. This is exactly why I love teaching and think I have the most rewarding job in the world.
Reminding yourself of the many things to be thankful for and the possibilities that lie ahead makes it a lot easier to put on your cloak of courage and fly.
Time for a new beginning, a fresh start!
It's nice to know that even when everything in your world is falling apart, you can still bring something to these kids and make a difference in their lives. This is exactly why I love teaching and think I have the most rewarding job in the world.
Reminding yourself of the many things to be thankful for and the possibilities that lie ahead makes it a lot easier to put on your cloak of courage and fly.
Time for a new beginning, a fresh start!
Labels: australia, confession, life, love
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Sunday, August 15, 2010
Hiatus
Birds leave their nest and they fly
There's nobody left here but I
I'll see you when I see you.
Labels: confession, life, song, video
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Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Sydney, I love you
I wasn't expecting to, but I truly, madly, deeply fall in love with Sydney.
The entire CBD is built around water and absolutely breathtaking. I literally gasped when I saw the Sydney Opera House. Photos don't do it any justice, because you just have to be there to experience it for yourself.
Locky joked that I might discover that I have been living in the wrong city all this while, and I must admit harbouring very adulterous thoughts during my 4-day getaway.
But Melbourne is my home, at least for now. ;) And I am more than happy to be back, because I have an exciting new beginning to look forward to. But more on that later!
Labels: australia, confession, love, memories, photo, travel
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Saturday, June 26, 2010
exciting and new to say
It started with the loss of my sudoku mojo.
Strange but true- I simply woke up one morning and realized I couldn't play Sudoku anymore. I tried samurai sudoku, failed. Then the novice one in The Age, failed. And then the one on E's iPhone, failed. My sudoku mojo had surreptitiously abandoned me, and the numbers that used to make perfect sense and logic to me swirled around in my brain and went poof in a cloud of pink.
It must have been some kind of cosmic foreboding, because everything started going wrong after that.
I don't want to do go into details, nor do I wish to dwell on the negative. Life is all about learning your lessons and moving forward.
I was drowning in paperwork, trying to cut through red tape at every turn. Fingerprint impressions, police checks from three countries, teaching registration, online portfolio, statutory declarations, official documents, and endless phone calls and e-mails. So much for being done with my practicum because the real crunch begins now.
But I think I am in a good place now. I got a part-time job teaching high school maths and science back at the school I taught at over the summer, E and I are making plans for the near future and we are finally going to Sydney! Time to find out if I have been living in the wrong city all these while (according to Locky ;)).
I hope everyone is well. Us and our cameras and our wanderlust and random encounters and late nights in a strange city, I can hardly wait! :)
It's sincere and subjective all over the world
Superficial and true all over the world
Easy and predictable all over the world
Exciting and new to say I want you
- "All over the world " by The Pet Shop Boys
I was drowning in paperwork, trying to cut through red tape at every turn. Fingerprint impressions, police checks from three countries, teaching registration, online portfolio, statutory declarations, official documents, and endless phone calls and e-mails. So much for being done with my practicum because the real crunch begins now.
But I think I am in a good place now. I got a part-time job teaching high school maths and science back at the school I taught at over the summer, E and I are making plans for the near future and we are finally going to Sydney! Time to find out if I have been living in the wrong city all these while (according to Locky ;)).
I hope everyone is well. Us and our cameras and our wanderlust and random encounters and late nights in a strange city, I can hardly wait! :)
It's sincere and subjective all over the world
Superficial and true all over the world
Easy and predictable all over the world
Exciting and new to say I want you
- "All over the world " by The Pet Shop Boys
Labels: australia, confession, life, love
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Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Lifelines
Labels: confession, friendship
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Monday, June 14, 2010
The place you've just come from
"Time expands and contracts. When it expands, it's like pitch: it folds people in its arms and holds them forever in its embrace. It doesn't let us go very easily. Sometimes you go back to the place you've just come from, stop and close your eyes, and realize that not a second has passed, and time just leaves you there, stranded, in the darkness."
- An excerpt from Hardboiled by Banana Yoshimoto
Labels: books, confession, love
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Monday, June 7, 2010
The fringe benefit of failure
Warm words for a cold winter night.
"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. In which case, you fail by default.
Failure gave me an inner security that I have never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learnt no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected. I also found out that I have friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.
The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are ever after secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift... and it has been worth more than any qualifications I have ever earned...
Personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a checklist of acquisitions or achievements. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life... Life is difficult and complicated and beyond anyone's total control. And the humility to know that will enable you to survive..."
- J.K. Rowling in her Harvard commencement speechYou can watch the full video here.
Labels: confession, life, video
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What use are wings if not to fly?
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoq7zFaRDayEh2rR59xv7dLkEYurlRny1ufgrAKl_lflM1c4Bn9HNnJoRiYf2TdyaeZPaYvDilivO_hgnhRG6SybVbLLOGSTkCQTsMW2M2G_aLLDBn3QJUI6ANMZSvoTWYz3pckw/")
Taken in Yarra Valley, Victoria
These photos were taken last year during my day trip to the wineries when Chaz was visiting.
I really need a holiday somewhere.
Labels: australia, confession, life, photo, travel
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Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dear uncertainty
With faith and courage, life will iron itself out.
Labels: confession, friendship, life
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Sunday, May 30, 2010
love is the little things
Sorting all the lights and darks
Making sure our love won't lose that spark
You really didn't have to
Funny pictures that you take
Dinner out instead of shake and bake
You really didn't have to.
Movies and magazines
Filling our heads with dreams
Love is the little things
Love changes everything.
Picking me up after work
Putting up with all my silly quirks
You really didn't have to
Saying that my cooking is great
While you try to hide a stomachache
You really didn't have to
Movies and magazines
Filling our heads with dreams
Love is the little things
Love changes everything.
Movies and magazines,
Filling our heads with dreams.
Love is the little things.
Like diamonds
(Spoken)
Jack: Woah, woah, woah... like what?
Nataly Dawn: Like...diamonds.
Jack: Diamonds aren't little things.
Nataly Dawn: Little diamonds are little things...
Labels: australia, confession, love, song, video
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Saturday, May 29, 2010
If you think you need some lovin'
Taken during summer in Box Hill, Melbourne
It's halfway into autumn and the temperature has been peaking at about 18 degrees. There is an unmistakable chill of winter in the air, and the cold reaches into my bones and I soon forget what the warmth of the sun feels like.
The children blithely run about in tatty t-shirts and tiny shorts. Aren't you cold, I ask. They respond with a look of incredulity on their faces that makes me wonder why I bothered to ask in the first place.
Watching them play, I often think about how much I missed out on as a kid. I remember spending a lot of time doing homework, attending art and tuition classes and going to the library, but I never had much outside time.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I had an unhappy childhood, but I didn't climb any trees or trap insects in bottles and I never learnt how to ride the bicycle.
At the age of 27 I am still experiencing many firsts in my life. You're never too old, right?
“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” - Angela Schwindt
“While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about.” - Angela Schwindt
Labels: australia, autumn, confession, culture, life, photo
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Sunday, May 23, 2010
Someday I'll be
"I didn't call myself anything. I was more than a teacher. And less. In the high school classroom you are a drill sergeant, a rabbi, a shoulder to cry on, a disciplinarian, a singer, a low-level scholar, a clerk, a referee, a clown, a counselor, a dress-code enforcer, a conductor, an apologist, a philosopher, a collaborator, a tap dancer, a politician, a therapist, a fool, a traffic cop, a priest, a mother-father-brother-sister-uncle-aunt, a bookkeeper, a critic, a psychologist, the last straw."
- An excerpt from "Teacher Man" by Frank McCourt
Writing, multiplication, division, P.E., poetry, terrariums, fractions, perimeter, area, children's rights, fairy tales, germination, soccer, basketball and all the other stuff in between.
On Friday, I was coaching a girl on how to calculate the area of a composite shape while her classmate hovered over us with his worksheet waiting for his turn.
"I bet you didn't think it would be this hard to be a teacher," she remarked, a Grade 5 student with all her years of wisdom.
And so, a glimpse into what I have been doing for the last month-
Writing, multiplication, division, P.E., poetry, terrariums, fractions, perimeter, area, children's rights, fairy tales, germination, soccer, basketball and all the other stuff in between.
On Friday, I was coaching a girl on how to calculate the area of a composite shape while her classmate hovered over us with his worksheet waiting for his turn.
"I bet you didn't think it would be this hard to be a teacher," she remarked, a Grade 5 student with all her years of wisdom.
Labels: australia, confession, photo, uni, work
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Sunday, May 16, 2010
I'll be my own best friend
It's funny how I am so used to blogging that when I'm not updating my blog, I sometimes replay my day as how I would have written it out when I'm in bed or having some quiet time. (Nerd alert!)
I wish my thoughts could magically transpose themselves onto the web with moving images and sounds so that you can all know what I'm up to, but technology has not caught up with me yet!
So I managed to run full steam for about 2 weeks before my body succumbed, partly from stress and overwork and partly from the sudden dip in temperature. I came down with a coughing fit (although not as bad as the time in Tokyo I was sick for 2 entire weeks) and a terrible sore throat and had to call in sick to my practicum school 2 days in a row. All my body needed was complete bed rest and I am feeling much better now!
Apart from that, I've been doing some serious soul searching about what to do after I graduate but I think I'll be able to make a much better decision once my current state of busy-ness dies down. I reckon a pro-con list a la Rory from Gilmore Girls is in order.
In the meantime, Mellie is relocating to Singapore with Mamo and Jo is heading home as well, which makes for a very strong case to me being back, but there are so many variables at play. Life is a lot less complicated in the absence of choice.
I promise my life will be a lot more exciting in 2-3 weeks time!
In the meantime, Mellie is relocating to Singapore with Mamo and Jo is heading home as well, which makes for a very strong case to me being back, but there are so many variables at play. Life is a lot less complicated in the absence of choice.
I promise my life will be a lot more exciting in 2-3 weeks time!
Labels: australia, confession, friendship, health, life, photo
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Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So long, La Trobe!
As much as I hate saying goodbye, I should really get used to it since I move around so much.
I remember writing about being sad to leave Japan, and about leaving Singapore again, and more than a year has flown by and I'm about to complete a postgraduate course in Australia. I have a Freudian addiction to farewells.
I remember writing about being sad to leave Japan, and about leaving Singapore again, and more than a year has flown by and I'm about to complete a postgraduate course in Australia. I have a Freudian addiction to farewells.
Meg and I counted the actual days we've had lessons on campus for the entire course, and it totalled about 50 days. 50 days of lectures and workshops to qualify us as primary classroom teachers. It seems highly inadequate when you think of it in absolute terms, but I've also been challenged and inspired by many of the lecturers and my coursemates and definitely grew a lot in terms of my pedagogy, curriculum planning and behaviour management.
Today was the last day of uni and I was a little disappointed that half of the group didn't turn up because it would have been nice to say a proper goodbye to everyone and wish them luck on the practicum.
A few of us adjourned to the Agora for coffee and talked about the course and what we were going to do after this, but it seems we're all waiting to see what happens next. It just felt like an anti-climax after the very intense year we've had!
So long, La Trobe!
A few of us adjourned to the Agora for coffee and talked about the course and what we were going to do after this, but it seems we're all waiting to see what happens next. It just felt like an anti-climax after the very intense year we've had!
So long, La Trobe!
Labels: australia, confession, farewell, memories, photo, uni
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