Months after they broke up, he would call or message her at the most random of times.
He hated it when she told him this, but it was true- he treated her the way his mother treated him.
He would never ask her what she was up to or how she was doing. Instead, the focus of their conversations was always on him.
Sometimes it felt like they were in a competition she didn't ask to be in- if she said she was planning a trip somewhere, he would quickly plan a trip of his own, except it had to be bigger and better. Then he would talk about the fancy gadgets he had just bought and how she might get to see them someday, as if it mattered to her.
At other times he would go on about how much he hated his life- his mounting tuition loan from his Ivy-League education, his overbearing parents, his dead-end of a career.
It could be 2 a.m. and she would have to go to work the next day, but that never stopped him. He knew that she would always answer his calls, that she would always listen, and that she would always have something nice to say to him.
But her patience gradually wore thin and the countless "you're allowing him to do this to you" warnings from her girlfriend somehow came through to her.
She stopped picking up his calls, and she stopped being his emotional punching bag. She even started seeing other men.
It was the petering out of the relationship that she hated the most- the end of the end, when neither sides had the the energy nor desire to maintain a facade of caring.
Eventually, they both moved on, and there was no longer any longing or grief, nor disappointment or anger. No more "if only"s or any need for explanations or answers.
From time to time she would hear about him, but it seemed after 2 years he was still the same, although she had changed in a hundred different ways.
I can't even tell you the myriad of thoughts that goes through of my head when I watch this-
But I think of P and how he loved going to arcades, I think of Mel and the cafes we visited and the shops we frequented, I think of Jo and our tiny apartment in Baba, I think of the hours and hours spent on the trains and the jingles for the different stations on the Yamanote line, I think of how E and I spent a lot of time hanging out around Shibuya when we were just friends because it was where our train lines intersect, I think of the neon lights and shrieking Japanese voices and insane crowds and crazy antics, of the drunken salarymen in the streets, I think of all the people who visited during my time there and the places I took them, of my time in the big city and day trips to small towns... it went by in aflash.
Life goes by pretty quickly if you don't stop and reflect.
E finally uploaded some videos from his farewell concert in Harajuku in January, so I'm sharing it here with the world-
With the jazz band
With the Cashell band
I was supposed to be photographer of the evening, but I wore the DSLR like an accessory and didn't know how to use his fancy flash kit. But here is proof that I was in the audience-
Me with the girls in Astro Hall, Harajuku
It was an awesome night, and we should do it again!
Two lifetimes ago, you were the reason why I had the courage to quit my job in Singapore, pack my bags and move to Japan. Things didn't work out for us because we were a wrong fit from the start, but I learnt a lot from the relationship.
Everytime I speak to you, you tell me how unhappy you are with your life and how you wish things can change, and I can only hear you out. I have never said "I told you so" for all the unwise decisions you made that I had tried to talk you out of, but really, I just want you to be happy.
But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I'll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more
I have only left Japan for 3 months, but it feels like a lifetime ago and a world away.
Granted, I've only been back in Singapore proper for a month, but nostalgia hits me randomly, and my heart actually aches when I think about Japan, about my life there and what it felt like.
I miss you Mellie. I miss texting you on the long train rides and back, griping about work and talking about the most inane things. I miss our Friday dates-checking out the malls and secondhand clothing stores, searching for the perfect cafe. I look at the scrapbook you made me as a farewell present and I wish you were here with me. I think of the time I went to stay over at your old place in Tamachi and how there was a big typhoon and you came to pick me up at Tsutaya, and we ended up running and screaming down the streets with our umbrellas blown off by the howling wind and we got back soaking wet and you made me coffee. That's a story to tell our kids.
And of course I miss you. I was sitting at Molly Malone's with Chaz and her guy friends last night, listening to the Aussie and Irish duo, and I thought of you and Kieran and the Cashell band, the farewell concert you worked so hard to put together. I thought of how we would sit in The Hub chatting over our Long Island teas until the lights came on and the chairs were overturned, and the last train had long left. I thought of how we went on walks at night exploring the neighbourhood, checking out new restaurants or dropping by Abang's. I thought of the hilly steps and steep gravel that led to your house in Yamate, how I would always stop right in the middle of the road and stare up at the rich midnight blue sky with the twinkling stars and remind myself how amazing it was to be there with you.
These mornings I sit at Bussorah Street having my morning kopi, watching the world slowly awaken, the streets so quiet you can hear the birds chirping, before the morning rush to work. I imagine what it would be like to share breakfast again with you, talking about the day ahead or discussing something in the news. I remember how you used to make us breakfast every morning- smoked salmon and melted cheese on toasted rye, and you got me eating tomatoes. You taught me how to cook.
But I remind myself that I chose to leave Japan, and surely better things lie ahead.
Live in the now, make the most of every opportunity and always be thankful.
We are now almost three weeks into the new year and I have only just found the time to sit down, be quiet and do nothing.
After showing Joe and Jeff around Tokyo, then spending one week in Hokkaido with E and a Japanese family, followed by three days exploring Kyoto with Jo, and helping E with his farewell concert, shipping boxes of things home, packing our suitcases, scrubbing our house clean and tieing up all the loose ends, I know I should be doing something more exciting on my last night in Japan, but all I want to do is to stay home and stay warm.
I am not a fan of winter; the air-con is cranked up to 25 degrees but my hands and feet are still icy-cold and I have my purple coat on. If E has to hear me whine once more about how deathly cold I am, I think he might start bleeding from his ears. I tell myself it is just one more day to the sweltering humidity of Singapore and I can soon walk around in t-shirt, shorts, flip-flops and no make-up on.
I am really doing this. I am really leaving Japan. I am trying not to be too emotional (given my predilection for drama), but I am apprehensive about how I will fit back in to Singapore. Reverse culture shock, they call it.
Tomorrow Mel, Mamo, Jo and Nao-chan are going to see us off at the airport. The moment I wave them off at the Departure gate, that's when the floodgates will open.
When Joe and Jeff were here, we went to many places-
Mori Building, Roppongi
Asakusa Temple, Asakusa
Hachiko Exit, Shibuya
Lake Ashi, Hakone
Big Echo Karaoke, Yokohama
We would be out the entire day walking, sightsetting, nattering, laughing and always took the last train home, which left me completely exhausted by the time I got to Hokkaido.
But it was time well spent and I only wished I didn't have to work on Sunday so that I could go shopping with them in Harajuku/Omotesando!
Here are all the pictures we took when they were in town.
On New Year's eve, E made a reservation for us in Tableux Lounge, a cosy cigar and cocktail lounge in the chic district of Daikanyama, complete with live jazz music. We got the best seats in the house and were the only patrons for a while, before the people started coming in for the drinks and countdown.
At the stroke of midnight, there was a loud bang and out came samba dancers and hand drummers and everyone toasted to the new year with champagne and poppers, while the dancers gyrated around us.
The next day, Jeff and Joe flew in from Hong Kong (on New Year's Day! For my birthday!) and I was so happy to see them after such a long time. E and I picked them up from Nippori station and then took them to Roppongi where I was having my birthday/farewell dinner at Gonpachi.
Thank you to everyone for the messages, the calls, the gifts and the well-wishes!
This is why winter/year-end sales are dangerous for me:
1. 70% of my things are packed into suitcases or boxes ready to be shipped home, which gives the illusion that I don't have anything to wear/use.
2. Everything is on a massive 30%-70% discount and even though it still costs a small fortune after being converted into Singapore dollars, I think of the savings I am making by buying it now during the sale.
3. Do I need another handbag? No. Do I deserve another handbag because I have worked hard the last year? Absolutely! I will obsess every waking moment and lose sleep over it, and if this beautiful creation of God should go to a less deserving woman, I will cry myself a river.
4. Because I am leaving Japan in a month and I might never step into this store or find anything I like as much as this! But of course this repeats itself every other store, because Japan is a shopping haven that will make a shopaholic weep with joy.
5. It's my Christmas/New Year's/birthday present for myself. Or it could be your Christmas/birthday present for me, because you love me very much and want me to be happy.
E and I took a 2-hour long train ride to Saitama Prefecture for an early Christmas dinner with the Fukais.
There really is nothing like a home-cooked feast- Chieko prepared agedashi tofu (one of E's favourite), harumaki, ebi-chilli and a gigantic platter of sashimi (which was perfect because we had been craving for sushi on the long train ride) to go with the seaweed and vinegared rice. And of course Sapporo beer and warm sake.
We were kept entertained by her adorable 3-year old grandson Hiro, who has more energy than any child I have ever met. He was running about the house laughing and screaming, playing with his parents, helping out with serving beer to the men (this I kid you not) and climbing all over the furniture. I got exhausted just from watching him.
We talked a little about the upcoming trip to Hokkaido; Chieko and her friend who lives there will host us and take us around. I am really looking forward to going snowboarding in Niseco- it's supposed to have the best landscape and powdered snow in Japan!
In short, I had a wonderful time with Daddy over the last weekend.
I got to bond with Daddy like I have always secretly hoped for. Seated in Kodaki-san's car, with him on my right and his hand placed carefully but purposefully on my knee, I have never felt more loved and complete in my life. When I saw the liver spots on his arms, I realized that he was growing old and there might come a day when he would not be around any more. He had come all the way from Singapore to visit me, his oldest girl and apple of his eye, he who has not taken a vacation in years.
You should have seen how he beamed as E and I greeted him at the hotel door. We were too shy to hug, but shoke hands instead like proper adults. He wasn't big on sightseeing but I knew he was just happy to be around me. When he came to stay over at our place for a night, I busied myself with making coffee and cooking rice and all the domestic chores I never bothered with in Singapore, and he watched on silently. I imagined how weird it must be to see his daughter all grown up, living on her own in a foreign land.
I remember when I was still in school, I would often wake up late and have to knock on my parents' door. Heart pounding and full of shame and guilt, I would ask him in the nicest way possible if he could drive me. (I now know how terribly annoying and inconsiderate it was of me, especially when he had a full day of work before him.) He would often be grumpy and chide me for being lazy, but he always got up. On Saturday, I woke up extra early just to make him breakfast, and I realized this was time to pay him back.
Last night, finally alone and with time to think, I realized how little I knew of him and found myself overwhelmed by his love for me and at the same time grieved over the many years we've lost as father and daughter. I looked at the photos taken over the last few days and began to cry.
Relationships can be so complicated.
Photos from my weekend here. We went all around, from Atami to Hakone to Yokohama to Motomachi/Chukagai to Ikebukuro and Harajuku/Omotesando.
On my last birthday, I got stupidly drunk for the first and last time in my life. The night ended up with me bent over Jo's lap outside a crowded bar in Roppongi, in freezing weather, weeping incoherently about how much I had loved P and "Why couldn't he love me back?".
Around us people were ushering in the new year, cheering, laughing and making merry, and a few of them would stop in their tracks to look at the girl who couldn't keep her act together after a few drinks, who was obviously broken-hearted on her Unhappy New Year.
In retrospect, I now see that I didn't love P- like Mel said, I was in love with the idea of being in love. We were a wrong fit right from the start, and I am thankful things ended the way they did.
This year, Joe and Jeff are flying in from Hong Kong in time for my birthday (whoo!) and I am so excited to see them both and take them around Tokyo. My birthday dinner will be with a group of friends in Gonpachi at Nishi-Azabu, of Kill-Bill fame.
I had wanted to catch Fukuyama Masaharu's concert on New Year's Eve, but after the hundreds of calls E made were in vain (the first time E has sorely disappointed me in our relationship); the tickets were sold out within 20 minutes and mostly on a pre-sold basis. Instead, E has made reservations for the two of us at a mystery venue. I will attempt to forgive him later, hehe.
I got so excited I bought a new dress from Zara-
Okay, so I just needed an excuse to buy a new dress. Next, for a bag to match my outfit...
P/S: My dad has just arrived in Tokyo and E and I will be spending the weekend with him at the Atami Seaside Spa & Resort in Shizuoka Prefecture. Looking forward to the beach view and hot spring baths!
It is cold outside and my lazy bones are encouraged by the onset of winter. The temperature has dropped below ten degrees, the sky a perpetual dreary grey, daylight so short that an inexplicable feeling of panic comes over me- it will soon be nightfall and I have barely accomplished anything.
On my train to work I see the bare branches of the trees shedding their crown of glory, their nakedness almost offensive. I want to freeze-frame the landscape just a few more days so that my dad and relatives can enjoy the understated beauty of autumn when they arrive this weekend, but time does not obey me.
Wretched Time!
Having started counting down my days of teaching left, I realized that as much as I am ready to leave the job, I will miss my students. The children who know me by name, whom I taught the ABCs and other curiosities of a language foreign to them, who laugh at my antics and follow my rules. The adults who have become my friends, who respect my ideas and values and share private information about themselves with me. I look forward to having real weekends, but I'll also miss my late starts.
Meanwhile, the yen keep appreciating against the dollar. It works in my favour, but everything here becomes an outrage when I convert it to Sing currency. A pair of no-name basic black pumps for $100? A fast-food meal for $12? A tall Starbucks Mocha for $8? Don't envy me, because I still have to shop, eat and drink in yen for 2 months.
Thank you Miss K, for buying me lunch at your favourite wa-shoku restaurant in Sheraton Bay, and arranging for me to try on the most gorgeous kimono I have laid my eyes on. I am thankful for your friendship and the cultural experiences you have shared with me!
In the meantime, E has been spending the last few days tearing my dying laptop apart and giving it a new lease of life. It's like having a new laptop, only better, because this one was built with thoughtfulness and love!
I've spent the last two days mostly in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, mostly waking up to eat and take medicine, read a bit of my book, watch a bit of a movie. The blinds are down and the heater is on- having lost concept of day and night, time is marked by when E goes out for work and when he comes back.
I had woken up with a croak yesterday morning and realized that I had lost my voice, so I had to call in to school to tell them I couldn't make it to work. I can barely breath, constantly blowing blobs of green sticky mucus out of my nose, my ears are clogged and my eyes teary.
Everything tastes like cardboard and I have no appetite but I know it's time to eat when I hear my stomach growling out loud, like a petulant child demanding a new toy. The only thing that satiates me now is pudding, so E went to the store and bought all kinds of pudding to put in our fridge.
I only have myself to blame. Having taken last Saturday off for Mel's BBQ, I dressed only in a cardigan and light jacket, thinking it would be warm enough by the pit. Needless to say, I was way underdressed for the chilly weather and my hands and feet were frozen by sunset.
E and I right before sunset
I made it through a full day of work on Sunday, but my voice was changing and my nose running a marathon. I went home, took some flu tablets and went to bed.
The next day, determined not to waste a public holiday, E and I decided head to Mount Takao to admire the autumn foliage in full bloom. We took a two-hour train ride to the foot of the mountain, but as we walked up the route, it started to drizzle. We soldiered on, figuring that the rain would stop but it only got heavier. 15 minutes later, we decided that it was wiser to go back down and seek shelter.
So much for our nature hike.
My gorgeous boy who makes my heart flutter
We hopped on the train to Roppongi instead, stopping for coffee at Koot's before going to Mori Art museum to see their latest installation of contemporary Indian art. We loved it. I will definitely miss the art exhibits in Tokyo when I am gone, another thing to add to my "Do I really want to leave Japan?" list. We ended the evening with dinner at our favourite Chinese restaurant behind Roppongi Hills, feasting on Peking Duck and dumplings.
On the way home, I took a turn for the worse and could barely stand up straight. We took a taxi back from the station, even though it was just a 10 minute walk up the hill.
And so I've been sick ever since. And I just want to get well soon!
